Archive for December, 2008

I’m So Lonely

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on December 31, 2008 by Timothy D Riel

Funny is a team sport. This fact has never been clearer to me than it is right now.

I’m sitting in my living room, unshowered and yet fully clothed in some jeans and a button up shirt trying to think of something funny. I’m trying, but not succeeding in every attempt to write something that will make people laugh. I suppose I would probably be curled up into a self-pitying heap of man sobs if it weren’t for these delicious dark chocolate covered pretzels from Snyders that I purchased for 70% off at Wal-Mart and also, I am a bad-ass.

pretzels

“The Official Snack of Bad-Ass”

I have not had the occasion to be funny for about a week now. Sure, I`ve made people laugh and re-hashed some classic tom-foolery with my wife Marie, but nothing that seemed, at least  to me, to be brilliant, groundbreaking and funny to the extent that a new internet acronym should be invented for IM-ing it`s brilliance.

too long acronym

Bottom Line: I miss my friends.

violins

Matt and Evan and Alex have all been doing their Christmas and New Years thing and, minus a quick five minute call to Matt about a possible awesome idea, we haven`t spoken. I guess this has really started to rub me wrong since I noticed that last Saturday would have been our normal meeting. We postponed it a couple of weeks due to family and life obligations but I can`t help but feel that something is missing.

These three people make me funnier. Other people make me funny too, don`t take offence ye of great offence taking, but there is something inherently funny about these guys and the things we come up with together.

To date, GR has nearly caused (or fuelled the fire for) a break-up of a members relationship, speculatively caused a real break up on the production side (the “behind the people” people), numerous BF/GF fights, and Matt having sex with teenagers (of the legal Québec drinking age, seriously. He’s not a dirty, dirty man, plus the dude’s only 21 for Christ’s sake).

matt creepy

“I swear this is Matt only pretending to be dirty”

Even with all this, the core group has managed to attend the production meetings and have come up with (at last count) 32 hilarious outlined premises, 5 that have become fully producible scripts, a sitcom idea, and a film concept. It is amazing stuff really, when you think about all the other things going on in our lives. We all have full time jobs, most of us are full time students, some of us are married, we live relatively far apart, two of us are fat, Evan has to work out at least 17 hours a day or he gets cranky and we only meet every two weeks. Despite these things, we continue to push forward and things seem pretty good. This could be something big, we all feel it.

I suppose that’s why I miss my friends today. This really is a team sport. It’s hard to be funny alone and it’s still two weeks until the next GR meeting.

I apologize to those who thought they would laugh more while reading this. Rest assured however that the next piece I write will be of a more humorous nature.

Or maybe I’ll add a picture of my impression of an old mans ass.

The Moral of the Story

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog with tags , , , , , , on December 20, 2008 by Timothy D Riel

Stories have been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember. I love books and I love stories

As I get older, however, I start to really analyze what it is I am reading and, looking back, I start to see some very obvious twisting of the messages aimed towards children.

Take the Hardy Boys for instance. Those books weren’t even all written by the same guy. Franklin W. Dixon is the pseudonym for several writers from a book farm who were paid to produce Hardy Boys mysteries like so much canned corn. The books themselves were badly written and held some pretty flimsy life lessons.

Here are some things I have learned from the Hardy Boys.

1- I learned never to trust anyone who seems different (read: not white and/or weird accent)

hardy_boys_cover_chinese
“Jeepers Joe, I bet those yellow fellas have something to do with this”

2- The police need my help even if they tell me to go home or they’ll arrest me. Me being a 14 year old boy and they being bureaucratic, lazy pen pushers.

hardy boys shore road
“Golly Frank, good thing we’re on the case or the cops would have never found that gigantic spiderweb with a dude on it!”

3– Getting caught by gun toting criminals will result in my being held in a dark room or some other such place, but NOT KILLED, until the timely arrival of my 14 and 15 year old brother and friends.

hidharbmy
“Wow Joe, you’re just in the nick of time. Who would have thought that would happen a 54th time?”

My real problem with childhood stories, however, is with the much more inaccurate Fables.

When I was growing up, Fables were everywhere. I had books of Fables, adults recounted fables from memory and even Jesus through the magic of the bible was telling me Fables.

A Fable is a life lesson story, usually with anthropomorphized animals in bizarre and unlikely situations. At the end of the story, as an addendum, there is a moral. The life lesson we were supposed to learn.

That sounds fine if the moral was actually correct or made any sense.

Here are some of my favourite Fables, their morals and what I actually learned from the story.

The Tortoise and The Hare

A rabbit and a tortoise have a foot race. The rabbit scoffs at the tortoise and brags it up. “I’m so awesome” he says (or something like that). The race is started and the rabbit takes off like lightning. The tortoise starts trudging down the course at a leisurely pace. The rabbit, seeing how much in the lead he is, decides to take a nap a couple metres from the finish line. Long story short, the tortoise wins while the rabbit sleeps.

Moral- “Slow and steady wins the race”

I’m calling bullshit.

Why would the rabbit take a nap? Are rabbits notoriously sleepy animals and someone failed to mention that to me? Also… ok. There is no also. Just why is he sleeping a couple of metres from the finish line. Sleep on the other side of the freaking line.

Tim’s Moral(s) –

1- “Don’t take naps during a foot race”

2- “Don’t be an arrogant douche”

3- If you’re not very good at your desired profession, success will only come if you NEVER SLEEP”

The Ant and the Grasshopper

All summer a grasshopper plays and dances and has a great time living up the hot glorious days of summer. An ant sees all this while he works hard preparing for the winter to come. The ant tells the grasshopper that he should be working, and the grasshopper tells the ant that he should stop being a tight ass and have some fun while the summer is here. Both continue with their own stubborn ways. Long story short, winter comes, the ant is warm and has plenty of food while the grasshopper is left out in the cold with no food. The grasshopper knocks on the ants’ door and asks to come in whereby the ant says “No way Jose. You should have worked” and slams the door in his face.

Moral- Idleness brings want. To work today is to eat tomorrow.

Yeah, ok. Here is what I got out of this story:

Tim’s Moral(s)

1- “Get better friends”

2- “If you work all the time and never have any fun, you’ll probably turn into an asshole”

These Fables, although incorrect in my opinion, are beneficial to child learning, and at least impart wise character traits for kids to embody.

Then there is:

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion needs to get to the other side of the river. He asks a frog for a ride to the other bank. The frog says “No way Scorpion, you’ll sting me and I’ll die” To which the scorpion replies “No I won’t. If I sting you we’ll both drown and I’ll never cross the river.” Since this makes perfect sense the frog accepts. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog says “Why did you do that, now we’ll both die”. To which the scorpion replies “Because I’m a scorpion, that’s what I do.”

Moral – The Leopard can’t change his spots. (Obviously that’s not it, but it’s the same gist. I’m just pointing out that this idea has many stories about it.)

Real Moral – People never change

Yup. You read that right. Nobody EVER Changes… EVER!

Forget redemption, forget compassion for people in dire situations forced to do bad things because of their situation. Forgiveness… No fucking way.

No-one will ever change so don’t trust them.

That’s what I want to teach my children.

If you work too hard, never sleep and never trust anyone, you’ll be an upstanding awesome person that everyone will envy.

But no-one will like you and you’ll have no friends.

And if that happens, who will come and save you when you’re captured while solving crimes?

So I was on the Toilet…

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , , , on December 19, 2008 by EAbrams

I’m not sure why, but people like to read in the bathroom. I just get in, get it done and get out.

I read in the bathroom once. I was in a public toilet. Etched into the lima bean green wall was a 12 year old’s imagining of what a vagina might look like. It was like a rendering of that scene from health class so many years ago, when the couple from the 80s teaches us where babies come from by launching one at the camera.

art1

I like the art in public bathrooms. It’s scrawled on the mirrors in red sharpie, black sharpie on the metal stalls. When people’s pens run out they scrape off layers of paint, years of that sea foam, teal, taupe, the cheapest bulk latex paints.

bathroom_wall

The best public bathroom posts come in high traffic downtown areas. Bars, fast foods, and universities hide gems of bathrooms. They are poorly maintained allowing for great accumulation of call and response chains like a forum flame war. They are also near a dense variety of persons, backgrounds, attitudes and beliefs allowing for an equal variety of expression.

I think I’ll make a book of it.

I am Irked By…

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , on December 17, 2008 by EAbrams

The first of many things that irk me: People who own too many cats.

Let me start by saying if you like cats, or if your friends like cats and you agree with them at times, that is just great. Go for the gusto. Like those things all you want. All I’m saying is that I do not, and maybe, when I’m done what I’m doing  you’ll hate what I hate too.

To begin people who like cats have a generally catty personality.
Perhaps it’s the proximity to the cats that brings this on. Or perhaps they
gravitate towards cats because of similar things liking similar things. Fat
people seem to gravitate towards each other, maybe by means of gravity, large
masses and the like. Stupid people seem to couple and cohabitate with other
stupid people. Similar instances arise among the poor. Nonetheless I do not
enjoy cat people because they are reminiscent of cats, another thing I do not
like.

Proviso: cats irk me. Cats are bad. They are incapable of joy. They cannot
love you. They love what you do for them. As soon as the canned meat supply,
belly rubs and places to scratch, spit up and shed dry up that cat is out the
door. Hence the term catting around (going from man to man upgrading each time,
see “monkey-bar dating”). Cats will also fuck any other cat and bear
many kittens which are too cute to drown. Cats will also lie upon a baby’s face
and kill it. This is either because babies are a rival for a family’s love and
attention, or because cats generally hate humans and can only kill us when
we’re young and weak. Observe how a cat will eat its owner once they are dead.
It happens. So to recap, cats use you until you are weak and then either move
on or kill you.

Now my irking by those who enjoy cats. First they defend these natural
predators. They will adamantly defend these animals. It is not that they are
the allies of my enemy. That is their choice and I’m ok with it. But the
self-delusion that they believe these demon creatures can be beneficial to
them. Self-delusion is amazing and infuriating. That someone can believe
something which is so very much against their best interest is the most irksome
trait someone can have. No matter the evidence against their actions and
beliefs they will fervently hold to those beliefs like grim death. It is that
they are so harmful, that to be without them would be like taking a knife from
their leg, they would bleed out on the carpet and their fractured mind might
not form together again. It’s the same as women in destructive relationships
where they carry a useless man-boy around. Or a parent who won’t make their
child move out after they’re 25. Or a meth addict. These all irk me to a
similar degree, they’re just more serious topic than Cat ladies.

Hey I’m a User Too.

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , on December 16, 2008 by EAbrams

So i logged in as the admin and now i’m a user! How cool is that. I suppose I’m a user in two ways now eh?

Oh my, what to do with my new found powers. I can’t believe i made myself a producer. I don’t produce shit. Well I do produce shit after I eat and wait a while. Other than that I mainly make trouble. That’s why my middle name is Evan Trouble Abrams. ETA. Which most people think means it’s my estimated time of arrival. Not true in fact.

My middle name is actually Charles

In other news I’m moving in with my girlfriend, christmas is coming, and soon my production will increase 100% with my new  location. It’s amazing what fresh drinking water and less small animals challenging me for dominance of the abode will do for my productivity. Now I empathise with the developing countries of the world. But only so much as I know how bad they want aid. Aid this!

I don’t really need aid, I’m 1/4 Jewish.

So I think that’ll do for a first post. Over an out.