Archive for January, 2009

See This Movie!

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , on January 24, 2009 by EAbrams

Watch this trailer!

Now i’ve read around the net that it will be kicking your ass in a theater near you in Summer 09. Then it’s going to steal wife and do her while your mom joins in.

Even without seeing it I know I’m going to love it. Then once I see it I’ll love it all the more, even if it sucks. There is no way it can though, just look this other trailer!

Yeah I know that sounds like a self fulfilling profecy, it’s called cognitive dissonance , wikipedia that shit! Just be happy for my illogical brain that runs on blaxploitation

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Top 5 Genre Defining Movies (As Defined by Timothy)

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog with tags , , , , on January 22, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

These are the movies that did it for me. They are the films I think of when someone asks me what is my favorite (Insert Genre Here) Film.

#5- Best Buddy Comedy


“Tommy Boy”

tommy_boy

Click Me


Spade and Farley are comedy gold. Poignant and timeless questions abound.

-How can two people that hate each other find common ground?

– Will Tommy Boy ever find love?

– Will Tommy Boy ever make his father proud?

-Would you stick your head up a bull’s ass to to get a good look at a T-Bone, or would you take the Butchers word for it?

-Who’s your favourite “Little Rascal”?

It’s really an in depth look at friendship and humanity’s constant struggle to find a soul mate in a cold and heartless world. A struggle to find reason, a struggle for hope but mostly a struggle to sell the new “Callahan Nickel Cadmium Brake Pads”

Honourable Mention:

“Dude, Where’s My Car”

dude_wheres_my_car

Click Me


Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott are pitch perfect. Turn off your brain and enjoy this extremely convoluted joy ride.

#4- Best Teen Romantic Comedy


“10 Things I Hate About You”

10 things

Click Me

We all became obsessed with Heath Ledger’s career from this point on. Anyone who saw this knew he was meant for big things. From “A Knights Tale” to “The Dark Knight” we knew this guy was the future. Plus, how fucking hot is Alex Mack in this?

(Google that shit if you don’t remember Alex Mack from YTV”)

(and if you do, then…Fist Bump!)

Honourable Mention:

“8 Days A Week”

eight_days_dvd

Click… Seriously, you haven’t figured this out yet?

Try to find this comedy gem. It has it all.

-That hot chick from Felicity

– A loveable main character whose nearly creepy and very “restraining orderable” stunt is so mind-bogglingly dumb that we wish we had thought of it

– A Douche getting kicked in the balls

– A dirty, dirty MILF and,

– A guy who fucks a watermelon.

Seriously, who doesn’t want to see that?

#3 Psychological Thriller

(read: creepy mindfuck movie)


“Se7en”

se7en

You know what to do

This movie is insane. Balls Out Insane! The murders are so sickeningly contrived (that lust murder? Yeah, that was fucked up.), the plot twists hit you so fast but somehow stay within the realm of believability, the characterization is fucking phenomenal and that ending, Best Ending Ever. The most accurate portrayal of human reaction and emotion I’ve ever seen in a movie like this.

Honourable Mention:

“Saw”

saw

Do It

This movie was just what the doctor ordered.

Those sequels only ruined it for everyone.

Note: Don’t write to me asking where “Silence of the Lambs” is. 
It didn’t make the list.

#2- Best Action Movie


“True Lies”

true-lies-dvd

Come on! Click it, see the trailer. It’s not rocket surgery.

The epitome of the Action Flick. Period. Don’t believe me? Lets count them off then, shall we.

1-Awesome main character.

2- Hot cougar wife.

3- Spies using their resources for silly personal shit.

4- James Bond-like scenarios without the douche-bagginess of actually being James Bond

5- Tom Arnold in a role that makes him like-able

6- Insane and highly improbable chase sequence on a HORSE into and up a building.

7- Hot super-villainess from “Waynes World”

8- Final Gun-Fight involves bad guy with a gun and Arnold with A FUCKING HARRIER JET!!!

9- I’m sorry… I have to stop now… My adrenaline is so high that I went and lifted four buses off of trapped children after punching a hippo in the face.

And then I won the Olympics.

Honorable Mention:

“Die Hard With A Vengeance”

die hard

Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson solving riddles = Gold.

#1- Best Mystery/Whodunit Movie


“The Usual Suspects”

theusualsuspects

Actually, don’t click here. Just watch the movie.

Hands Down the greatest movie ever in the history of ever.

Fucking Ever!

Who is Keyser Soze indeed!

Honorable Mention:

“Who Is Cletis Tout?”

who-is-cletis-tout

Click it.

Good luck finding this movie. It was awesome. Tim Allen is a hitman sent to kill Christian Slater, except Christian Slater isn’t really the guy that he’s supposed to be. Plus the hitman is a little obsessed with scriptwriting and classic movies. Brilliant.

That’s it for now. Stay Tuned for more of these movie list things.

P.S. Don't worry if you disagree with my choices. 
God has put enough people on the Earth that I'm sure 
no-one will notice that you're wrong.

X-mas Presents II

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , , , on January 15, 2009 by EAbrams

My girlfriend and I like movies. I hear about some couples who don’t like the same movies. That sounds terrible. Thankfully Laurel and I like the same things:

  • Tits
  • Crude one-liners
  • and the retro stylings of the 70’s both, 18 and 1970s

For X-mas this lovely little lady got me all these as gorgeous Pam Grier does what she does best; laying the smack down on white pushers and their naturally weak white hoes. Her sexcellence is best evidenced in her title roles as Coffy and Foxy Brown.

Coffy chronicles the epic revenge of a black woman on the edge. A night nurse begins getting vengeance on the pimps and pushers of her hood after her sister (13 years old) ODs on smack. 13!

Holy shit they hook em much older than cigarettes.

Holy shit they hook em much older than cigarettes.

Her cop ex-boyfriend who is a prince among pimps is horribly murdered as she begins to feel “feelings” for him again. Her vengeance spiral continues as her current boyfriend, a black senator and sleaze, rises in power. Think of an evil Terence Howard. Eventually Coffy kills her way up the pimp ladder using the bodies of hoes as rungs. So much excellent hoe-on-hoe action it’s like a garden shed fell over… and everyone’s breasts were hanging out! They even make excuses to show more breasts. Gratuitous? Hells yes.

White women are naturally fearfull of assertive black women once their illusion of power is smashed like so many coke bottles.

White women are naturally fearfull of assertive black women once their illusion of power is smashed like so many coke bottles.

The Colour Purple has nothing on Coffy.

The Colour Purple has nothing on Coffy.

Long story short she gets hers, and he gets his. Her senator man boy orders her killed with drugs, she escapes and finds him bedding a white woman, in a complete treachery of his people. And then clack clack double shotty in the body.

So the script calls for more contrived nudity you say?

So the script calls for more contrived nudity you say?

Wait, there's a chance to show tits again back here!

Wait, there's a chance to show tits again back here!

Oddly the plot of Foxy Brown is about the same but higher scale. Foxy’s dead man is an FBI informant. Her traitor is her brother. She busts up international drug rings, infiltrates international sex rings and flies a plane through a guy!

I think I’ll write a blaxploitation film!

Independent, strong, and forceful woman avenging her dead lover. National or international drug and prostitution rings abound and are bested by said woman. Tits are exposed. Someone says ‘bitch don’t even’. Someone else says ‘daaaaamn!’ Big cars, big afros, and tacky tacky wallpaper.

Now all I need is a title…

  • Hott Chocolate
  • Dark Roast
  • Foxy in Sox
  • Steamed Latte (this one’s with a white girl)

Titles are hard, I’d like to see you do better!

X-mas Presents I

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , , , on January 8, 2009 by EAbrams

This Christmas my parents got me Trivial Pursuit 25th Anniversary Edition. There is really only one thing to say about a gift like that…

Trivia-Tastic!

I heart trivial pursuit. I love filling up my pie with knowledge wedges and questing for more delicious pieces.

Sadly up till now I only had the old school Genus Edition from the 60s. None of my friends were very good at it having not lived through the years previous to 1965. For that reason alone, perhaps, that we were unable to come up with answers like: Gracie Allen, The Crimean War, or Who met Frank in 1950 something? The Answer to the latter was Mutt I believe.

Irrespective, I now possess modern trivial gaming good times.

The pros:

  • Redesigned pies make adding and removing wedges a breeze. Finally!
  • Varied skill levels allow for handicapping of trivial light weights so everyone can have a good time.
  • The ability to challenge rivals to a face off for pie pieces and spite adding fierce rivalry to the game. Granted you could have just instituted challening as a house rule years ago, as massivly pretentious Timothy informed me, but now it has been legitimized in the rules.
  • It is an excellent forum for drinking games. You get your question wrong, you drink, you keep getting them wrong, you pass out and wake up with a trivia wedge lodged in your ear.

The cons:

  • Has a bizarre extra track that can be confusing. Recommendation: don’t use it.
  • Pie holders still too big for board spaces, can cause uncomfortable jostling and stacking during play.

Final Recommendation:

Go out and get some. It’ll be a great time with your friends. If you don’t have friends, get some, or gimme a call and we’ll bond over your brutal thrashing in Trivial Pursuit 25th Anniversary Edition!