Wanted: Second Wife


Maybe I’ve been watching too much “Big Love”, or maybe polygamists have been on to something for years now. Regardless, I have come to the conclusion that my boyfriend and I need to add a third member to our relationship.  It’s nothing sexual; in fact, after consultation with the other GR members, I have endearingly labelled my new significant other’s job description as “Life Hooker”… so scratch the title and think “Wanted: Life Hooker”.

For our less educated readers, polygamy is a Greek word meaning “the practice of multiple marriage” (Thanks, Wikipedia!).  Because I am a member of the fairer sex, some of you may be thinking I am leaning towards a second husband, known as “polyandry”.  You would be wrong, friend. I need a lady.

Let me clarify. This is not a lesbian booty call. I love and am attracted to my boy-friend.  Unfortunately, he would never go for another man in this relationship, so lady it must be.  The decision to add a third member isn’t the result of him being hard to handle or the indication of a waning interest.  I’m not looking for either of us to change.  We simply need someone to keep us in line. We have become so comfortable with one another that we’ve just stopped trying. A “happy anniversary/birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s Day” is about all the effort we put into occasions… if we remember at all. We don’t bother tidying up for one another or investing in our appearance.  She could save us from ourselves.  Yes, solution: third relationship member.

Let’s reflect: I get a friend who doesn’t mind being a third wheel and who the “b/f” doesn’t hate. We can be gym buddies and take pride in one another’s progress, she’ll never tire of hearing me complain about him, she’ll make sure he gets me nice presents and when I get annoyed and send him away she’ll welcome him with open arms.  She will make sure I always have an outfit ready for work and leave me little notes in the lunches she makes me (she’s the stay at home spouse). Yes.  I can be motivated through friendly competition and he can learn from a lady who didn’t throw herself at him without hesitation even though he thought wearing a visor was cool (in 2006).

For the time being, my jealousy, rage and general inability to get along with women will be abated. Worse coming to worse, I’ll de-stress for a month or so and then kill her in a jealous rage and dump the body in a ditch (I hope this never happens in an incident completely unrelated to this blog – how do you say “implicated”?).

I will be taking applications from now, until the end of the week. Applicants must be 19 years of age or older (to make my LCBO runs), have a generally sweet and patient disposition and be willing to submit to the intense psychological torture associated with a position of this nature (read: my relationship).  Applicants should not like horror fiction, Guitar Hero, sports, drinking contests, dance parties, word games or writing for underappreciated, as of yet undiscovered comedy troupes (I will not be usurped as first girlfriend!).  Must not be well travelled (in either sense of the term) and must not have previously belonged to any sort of polygamist society or group marriage cult.  Finally, a successful applicant will be grossly unattractive.

Do you have what it takes to be my life hooker?! Are you looking for an unforgettable and heart-warming adventure? Do you revel in the opportunity to share your love with two child-humans who can barely appreciate one another, let alone you!? Will you sacrifice your life and debase yourself for my happiness?!  If you answered “yes”, then apply now in the comment section!

Only serious posters will be contacted.

Ps. Happy anniversary, honey!

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