Archive for March, 2009

How to Unleash Zombies and Make Money While Doing It

Posted in Matt's Blog on March 26, 2009 by mattgr

Our culture has been fascinated with the concept of zombies for decades. In fact, it has become so popular that many are finding ways of making copious amounts of money off the phenomenon. While at work today, I was brainstorming how I too, could weigh in on this cash cow of reanimated death.

My first though was to create a zombie survival guide. But this has been done. In fact, a quick search of Amazon will reveal that many books on the subject are, in fact, already for sale. One of which I have already read and passed on to my friends. Needless to say, we are ready for the onslaught.

The second option I came to was weapons manufacturing. We could make weapons designed for the soft skull of a zombie and sell them on EBay. Good idea but the market is way too small. Not many would pay top dollar for a weapon that will never be used.

Finally it dawned on me; the most lucrative zombie related business plan that hasn’t been done yet. It’s simple really: unleash the zombies.

Training for the Apocalypse

Now this plan will raise some obvious questions:

1) How do you reanimate the living into soulless brain eating monsters?

2) Even if you do, how do you profit from this?

3) Why aren’t you wearing pants?

While I lack answers for #3, I can enlighten you on the first two. The process is as follows:

1)      Incorporate a fake company with a scientific sounding name. (Ex: Medex Reanimation)

2)      Claim to be researching a reverse aging process by studying reanimated stem cells. Once Big Pharma receives wind of your ambitious project, sell close to 75% of your fake incorporated company to pharmaceutical investors.

3)      Kidnap top scientists from the following counties: China, Russia, India, and Romania (even though they’re more vampire oriented). Set these scientists to work on molecular restructuring projects. In about 10 year’s time, they’ll have discovered the way to reanimate mass populations into zombie-like creatures.

4)      Take the money received from Big Pharma investments and buy mass amounts of shares in a wide variety of weapons and ammunition manufacturing companies.

5)      Unleash the reanimated living in a localized area. Make sure the infection does not spread too quickly just yet. News of a zombie outbreak in Northern Ontario will spread globally in the matter of hours. People everywhere will buy mass amounts of weapons and ammo in order to fight off their impending doom, making weapons companies billions of dollars in a very short amount of time.

6)      Once the buying frenzy has cooled, sell all stocks and other assets, making billions of dollars in the process.

7)      As you liquidate your assets, the zombie infection will no doubt spread, taking over the world in a matter of months.

It’s at this point I expect some will question the motives involved. Sure you’re now a billionaire, but zombies have taken over and the world as we know it is gone. Don’t fret. According to the zombie survival guide I had previously mentioned, zombies have a lifespan of only 2-3 years. With your billions of dollars, you would be able to afford an adequate defence system to wait out the zombie attack. Once all the zombies die off from malnutrition and numerous bullets to the face, head and groin, all remaining people will be free to establish a new world order.

Since you will no doubt be one of the richest remaining people in the world, you will have a say in how future society is to be organized. You will also go down in history as one of the greatest super-villains of all time, responsible for the reanimation and death of billions of people in the name of becoming rich and famous.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to register Medex Reanimation.

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Blood, Roses and Me Again

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , on March 17, 2009 by EAbrams

I was at an Alex Burke party one time (loud, flip cup, busted up by the cops when no one was committing crimes) and someone called me out on not finishing my blog about my terrible hand cut. Well there little missy you’ve got some nerve, I’m a busy man! However, the lobster ordeal is on hold for now. My School work has subsided. And the throbbing sensation has likewise subsided in my hand. Since all is right with the world I suppose I can resume my story. Sit back kiddies and have a read…

So where we last left off I was returning from the hospital with my lovingly cross stitched hand. It was 3 in the AM and I had an interview to get to in under 6 hours. I’ve always had great luck with interviews but I don’t usually attend them looking like fight club. Yes these are cuts from being terribly clumsy. Yes I’m comfortable with that.

I went to sleep with two fears. First, that I would tear my stitches in the night and bleed all over my girlfriend and the bed and myself and have to amputate my hand because it would be infected. That’s a biggie but it’s all one fear. The second fear would be that I would wake up and not remember I had stitches, as happens most often with my injuries, and then tear my stitches and be fully aware of bleeding all over the place. When I awoke I was quite unaware I had stitches. I was also unaware I had a hand. “oh fuck”, I thought, “it’s gone. My hand has rotted off in the night and is now a zombie hand. I will have to jerk off with my left from now on. It’ll be like a drunk girl trying to impress in the coat room of a vietnamese wedding, all over again, but now it’s every time”. I suppose that could be fun. However, I had slept with my hand dangling off the side of the bed.

Laurel helped me get dressed that morning. Once my hand is slightly injured I forget how to dress myself? After playing ken doll I was off to impress people i didn’t know for a job I really didn’t think I would get. I looked fan-freaking-tastic in my pin stripe suit and solid tie, french cuffed shirt, shined up shoes. I can clean up alright when I have to. I clean up better when I have help. I’m functionally retarded. Really, there’s a mess of grey matter that doesn’t work well from several concussions in my glory days. But that, as they say, is another story.

The interview waiting room was filled with very young kids in their grandpa’s suits. I felt like I was at a funeral or a barmitzvah. It’s so strange that three years ago I looked just like them. Wide eyed and nervous about making it in the “real” world. Firm handshake. Look ’em square in the eyes. Nice to meet you sir. How’s the gold game? How’s your daughter these days? I couldn’t help overhearing someone practicing their greeting in the bathroom, as well as their response to “what would you say are your weaknesses?” The correct answer is either “I can’t say no to your wife when you’re out of town” or “chocolate”. I can never remember which one I use. That poor bastard was really going to say “I think I’m a bit of a perfectionist”. Tough break kid, maybe next time.

An interview is like a date. Or is a date like an interview? I’m pretty sure a date is an interview for your genitals. You sit across from the table, maintain eye contact, try to say the right things that will net the right responses. Ask probing questions that make you seem really into the job and up to task. She’s got your resume on file already, maybe a friend of a friend told her such and such about you already so that’s your foot in the door. When I go in for any interview I’m still thinking with the swim suit area because nothing impresses like outrageous self confidence, which comes from the balls (or ovaries for ladies).

Long story short, I got laid and start work with Health Canada in May. The two are not causally related.

After you have sex at around noon you really need to have something to do. I suppose round two is the best case scenario. At this point my jagged hand gash felt like it was about to shoot its load, so we really needed to do something that would not involve increased blood circulation.

Say honey, how about we go to the Apple Store in china town and get nerd stuff?

Ok!

And away we went.

That’s my girl. I am so glad we moved in together. Stay tuned for more.