How to Unleash Zombies and Make Money While Doing It
Our culture has been fascinated with the concept of zombies for decades. In fact, it has become so popular that many are finding ways of making copious amounts of money off the phenomenon. While at work today, I was brainstorming how I too, could weigh in on this cash cow of reanimated death.
My first though was to create a zombie survival guide. But this has been done. In fact, a quick search of Amazon will reveal that many books on the subject are, in fact, already for sale. One of which I have already read and passed on to my friends. Needless to say, we are ready for the onslaught.
The second option I came to was weapons manufacturing. We could make weapons designed for the soft skull of a zombie and sell them on EBay. Good idea but the market is way too small. Not many would pay top dollar for a weapon that will never be used.
Finally it dawned on me; the most lucrative zombie related business plan that hasn’t been done yet. It’s simple really: unleash the zombies.
Now this plan will raise some obvious questions:
1) How do you reanimate the living into soulless brain eating monsters?
2) Even if you do, how do you profit from this?
3) Why aren’t you wearing pants?
While I lack answers for #3, I can enlighten you on the first two. The process is as follows:
1) Incorporate a fake company with a scientific sounding name. (Ex: Medex Reanimation)
2) Claim to be researching a reverse aging process by studying reanimated stem cells. Once Big Pharma receives wind of your ambitious project, sell close to 75% of your fake incorporated company to pharmaceutical investors.
3) Kidnap top scientists from the following counties: China, Russia, India, and Romania (even though they’re more vampire oriented). Set these scientists to work on molecular restructuring projects. In about 10 year’s time, they’ll have discovered the way to reanimate mass populations into zombie-like creatures.
4) Take the money received from Big Pharma investments and buy mass amounts of shares in a wide variety of weapons and ammunition manufacturing companies.
5) Unleash the reanimated living in a localized area. Make sure the infection does not spread too quickly just yet. News of a zombie outbreak in Northern Ontario will spread globally in the matter of hours. People everywhere will buy mass amounts of weapons and ammo in order to fight off their impending doom, making weapons companies billions of dollars in a very short amount of time.
6) Once the buying frenzy has cooled, sell all stocks and other assets, making billions of dollars in the process.
7) As you liquidate your assets, the zombie infection will no doubt spread, taking over the world in a matter of months.
It’s at this point I expect some will question the motives involved. Sure you’re now a billionaire, but zombies have taken over and the world as we know it is gone. Don’t fret. According to the zombie survival guide I had previously mentioned, zombies have a lifespan of only 2-3 years. With your billions of dollars, you would be able to afford an adequate defence system to wait out the zombie attack. Once all the zombies die off from malnutrition and numerous bullets to the face, head and groin, all remaining people will be free to establish a new world order.
Since you will no doubt be one of the richest remaining people in the world, you will have a say in how future society is to be organized. You will also go down in history as one of the greatest super-villains of all time, responsible for the reanimation and death of billions of people in the name of becoming rich and famous.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to register Medex Reanimation.