Archive for April, 2009

An Open Letter to Jesus

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on April 23, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

First, read this…

barton-tweet-400

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Letter to Jesus

I Want To See Those Boots: Public Apologies and the End of Carrie Underwoods Career

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on April 13, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

You can usually trace the fall of a celebrity’s career back to the moment that said celebrity has been forced to apologize for something ridiculous, something that no person should need to apologize for.

Granted, many celebrities need to apologize for some pretty bad shit and that’s understandable.

r kelly rob lowe

You ain’t gangsta, Rob Lowe!
Maybe we both banged an underage chick, but I peed on mine.

It’s the really pathetic stuff that really shows the public disdain of said celebrity. To hate someone so much that we feel the need to force them into humility for some, arguably, pretty normal shit.

For Example:

Pee Wee Herman aka Paul Reubens

pee-wee

It’s the late 80’s / early 90’s and Paul Reubens is annoying people every Saturday with his “Playhouse” show, his stupid honking laugh and ridiculous daily word gag. He had a gay ass bike too, but I’m sure it had less to do with his downfall at the hands of the apology-demanding masses than the stupid talking furniture.

peewee playhouse

Back off, stupid Chair.

Paul Reubens was arrested for jumping onto the stage at a large Cineplex filled with children during a matinee of Toy Story, whipping out his manhood and fire hosing the crowd with his baby jelly.

Gotcha! That’s not true.

reubens not norton

Gotcha again! This is not Ed Norton. It’s Pee Wee Herman.

That would have been pretty awful and very worthy of a public apology.

So what’s the real story?

Paul went to a greasy porn theatre, sat in a greasy porn theatre seat, watched a greasy porn movie and pulled his greasy pud in the darkened, nearly empty theatre.

That’s pretty gross, sure, but one needs to ask; why does he need to apologize to his fans?

What were we expecting him to do while watching porn? Knit a cardigan? Solve a Sudoku? It’s PORN.

The only apology needed is to the poor Korean kids who lost their lives making the VCR he should have been watching his porn on at home.

download- blossom

Or maybe the internet should apologize for being delivered at 14.4 kb/s.

Bill Clinton

bill-clinton-picture

Ex-President and real star of the “Animaniacs” show opening makes this list for his Oval office indiscretions. What he did may have been pretty bad but, on a global scale, didn’t really warrant a PUBLIC apology. He got blown by a willing 20 year old intern who wanted a mouthful of power.

The president should have been wise enough to NOT insert his manhood into her gaping maw, but he may have been pre-occupied PREVENTING NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION IN ASIA.

He was also trying to balance a national budget and negotiate the political quagmire that is the house of representatives to push through legislation to make the country a better place.

Roseanne Moustache

Making fun of Bill Clinton is cliché.
Here is Roseanne. I added a moustache.

I do not condone what he did, just saying that the apology should have been TO HIS WIFE. It has NOTHING to do with his governing abilities. It would be like firing a professional Baseball player because he sucks at macramé.

jeter macrame

Damn it Jeter, what CAN’T you do?

Also, I may have forced Bill into this list. His downfall was only partially caused by this scandal, but mostly due to term limitations.

bill clinton retired

And now he does this.

Isaiah Washington

washington

Dr. Preston Burke appears on this list despite my fear of being discovered as the shameless lover of all things “Grey” that I am.

meredith grey

Except for Meredith.  I hate you, Meredith.

This is a classic case of why you shouldn’t ever do adult fare for Disney. Ever.

Isaiah Washington was fired from the show after he allegedly called T.R. Knight (George) a bad F-word that rhymes with laggot during an altercation backstage. Fired WAY after the altercation. Like, months after. The altercation didn’t even involve T.R., it was between Burke and McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey).

jello fight

And may or may not have included Jello.

Again, this is bad shit, and I don’t condone calling people bad things hatefully, but why apologize publicly? Be a man and apologize for being a total douche to the guy you were being a douche to and let him punch you in the face. End of story.

What is Disney doing letting this story out and subsequently forcing a public apology only to fire the guy months later when the overweight, bible-thumping housewives of middle America write them letters telling you to do so? You are weak Disney.
That’s why Pixar hates you. Stop letting the letter writing lonely hearts dictate the cast and story of “Grey’s”.

Obviously, Isaiah Washington was less liked than Patrick Dempsey because there was no outrage at the “unprovoked racially-motivated attack” on Isaiah Washington. I say racially motivated because Isaiah was black, and based on derivative logic used to condemn Isaiah, means the attack was racial since Isaiah calling T.R. a F-word while T.R. was gay was an overtly sexist comment.

preston_burke

Maybe you shouldn’t have taken the credit for all those amazing surgery’s that Christina did for you when you were all shaky in the hands, Asshole.

Carrie Underwood

carrie underwood

For my next trick, I am now going to use the past as a predictor of future events.

First, go read this.

I’ll wait…

minesweeper

These mines aren’t going to sweep themselves, you know.

If you’re like me, you read that through twice. You read it twice because YOU COULDN”T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH WHAT SHE SAID.

If you were too lazy to click the link just now, go fucking read it you lazy ass.

Some of you still haven’t read through the article I linked to, so here it is in a nutshell.

Matthew McConaughey was presenting an award at the CMA’s, and since he has nothing to do with country music in general, he felt the need to connect himself to the fans of said genre. He told a cute story about how he and his brother used to lie about making boots for a country music star so they could bang chicks. Everyone chuckled and applauded and when things settled down he announced that Carrie Underwood won an award. She came on stage to accept the award and…

warning

It’s at this point I would like to stop and warn you of the upcoming offensiveness and implore you to ensure that any and all children be removed from the room as the following is too vulgar for little eyes and ears.

… Carrie turned to Matthew and said “I want to see those boots, Matthew.”

THAT’S RIGHT! (I warned you.)

I. Want. To See. Those Boots. Matthew.

But wait! It gets worse!

According to this US Weekly article, McConaughey’s wife and 8 month old son were in the audience and SAW THE WHOLE THING.

Subsequently, Carrie’s publicist and fans demanded a public apology.

I am so confused about this story, that I have decided to discover if maybe the controversy might be hidden in the individual words used.

So take a ride with me.

I: A singular pronoun referring to the speakers self. Nothing wrong here.

Want: Verb indicating a desire to possess and/or obtain. Still good.

To See: The use of the ocular nerve to relay sensory information to the brain and decoding it into an image that can be recognized by an individual. Seems pretty G-Rated.

Those Boots: Referring to a certain and specific item, in this case footwear. Scandalous? Not really.

Matthew: One of the Apostles and scribe of one of the Holy Gospels. Also, THE ONLY PERSON ON STAGE AT THE CMA’s THAT SAID ANYTHING DIRTY.

McConaughey told a story admitting that HE LIED to young girls to FUCK THEM.

Carrie responded to MATTHEW’s story much the same way as many women would.

Seriously, Matthew is a very hot guy.

So hot that even I have trouble not “wanting to see those boots”.

In fact, he has based his entire career on being the hottest man alive, that every woman wants to bang. To fault Carrie for joking about that manufactured desire is absurd and typically sexist.

If Matthew had said the same thing to Carrie, there would be no controversy. And that is very hard for me to admit in writing, since I hate agreeing with feminists.

feminist

I hate this person.

So Matthew goes home and continues his great career and Carrie is forced to apologize for something ridiculous.

I’m sorry Carrie, but this is the beginning of the end.

I hope you had fun while it lasted.

GhostRunner’s Work (Ethic) Divide

Posted in Matt's Blog on April 5, 2009 by mattgr

Here at GhostRunner, we are a fairly tight nit group of likeminded and extremely good looking people. We tend to get along very well, with the rare exception of Evan’s periodic rage induced beatings. Most would believe that we work equally hard in order to bring you top notch comedic relief for your otherwise mundane internet surfing routine, but sadly, this is not the case.

Over the past few months, it has become quite clear that a schism exists in GhostRunner. The divide is one based mostly on work ethic, but does also incorporate things like drinking ability. One could make the argument that these two things are related. I myself would like to see the evidence.

Touché

So, let us see where the divide exists:

Tim

Tim is the reason for GhostRunner’s being. Not only did he start it before the invention of the telephone, he also came up with the name, provides the office space, and generally comes up with the most ideas. When not working his day job, Tim dedicates his spare time to setting up websites, submitting things to Cracked, writing scripts, coordinating shoots, and downloading absolutely retarded amounts of music. Also, I’m pretty sure he is a superhero of some kind since I can never seem to be able to reach him at night…

Also, he dresses like this

Evan

Evan, or as no one ever calls him, “Hey you behind the bushes” (I eagerly await our first copywrite infringement lawsuit), is second only to Elf #3 from Santa’s workshop as the hardest working employee on the planet. Not only does Evan churn out scripts like it’s his job (actually, it is), he’s also assigned the roles with the most lines, given responsibility for anything animated, and also designated the GhostRunner bodyguard. What’s even more amazing is that despite the massive workload he endures here, he still managers to get in 22 hours at the gym everyday.

Evan: Body Double foe the Incredible Hulk

Alex

Alex was supposed to write her own part in this blog, but never got around to it. So… yeah, there it is.

Matt

And finally, the self-proclaimed (but not recognized) King of Everything. I would like to include myself with the hard workers of GhostRunner, but that is simply not the case. While I write a number of website posts, they’re often done in order to avoid other, more pressing work. Case in point, I am supposed to be writing a 20 page paper on Jewish ghetto culture right now. Ha, like that’s going to happen!

Not to say I’m not busy; I have to work a day job, attend school, and organize trips to Kingston in order to wingman for my friends as they try to pick up Queens girls. It’s just that I pail in comparison to the other three GhostRunners (…GhostRunnerers?… GhostRunnerites?) in terms of quality hard work produced.

I'm also pretty lazy with the Halloween costumes

So now that you’re aware of who does what here at GhostRunner, if you have any complaints, you know who to blame.