Archive for the Matt's Blog Category

17 Again

Posted in Matt's Blog on August 11, 2009 by mattgr

Zac Efron is a creep. Making movies about being an unhappy 30-something year old who somehow returns to the days of high school in order to be the popular kid, wanted and desired by prepubescent teenagers everywhere, says something about your personality. Some would characterize that as “child at heart”. I would be more inclined to say “pedophile”.

But this blog isn’t a review of the chick-flicky teen/children’s movie “17 Again”, even though I probably could deconstruct every weird Freudian aspect to it. Well, maybe if I actually watched it. No, this past weekend I had my own “17 Again” experience, when I took off to Montreal and relived some earlier life memories.

The plan to go to Montreal started off when my sister’s boyfriend, let’s call him Dave, wait… that’s not a pseudonym, that’s his actual name. Dammit. Anyway, Dave calls me up and informs me THE pop-punk band of the 1990’s, Blink-182, has gotten back together after the band’s leading asshole, let’s call him Tom, decided to not be a dick and reformed the band, resulting in a reunion tour. About 8 of us decided to go to the concert in Montreal. I hadn’t seen Blink live for over 7 years, or even listened to them for about 4 years. Regardless of this small fact, I was excited to go.

Once we arrived in Montreal, we got straight to business. We had about 3 hours before the show started and wanted to be nicely hammered for the occasion. Like many other escapades, I started the night off with a healthy dose of gin. By the time we left the hotel, I was no longer fully responsible for my actions.

We showed up to the concert fashionably late. And by that I mean we missed the first act entirely. Which was fine, since we were just in time for Fall Out Boy to do their thing. Although, I spent about a third of their set at the beer stand making sure I was ‘hydrated’ for Blink.

During the intermission I met up with Tim and his wife, Marie. After some unsuccessful attempts at trying to steal her away from him, I conceded that married women are indeed tough to get, especially when the guy is 1) a friend; and 2) standing right next to her.

When Blink took the stage, I lost all control, reverting to my seventeen year old self. Except now, I’m a lot bigger and stronger and able to mosh much more effectively. This proved very useful as my sister’s boyfriend and I punched, grabbed, elbowed, and tickled our way up to the front. That’s right: Tickled.

The experience was fairly amazing as a Pavlovian effect took over and I screamed out lyrics to songs long forgotten. The show itself was pretty damn good. And for my troubles at the front, I got a hat that was thrown into the crowd and a bottle of water from the bouncer for free. Not bad considering all some people get is a ripped shirt, broken glasses and a punch to the chops. Yes, being seventeen again was fun. Even without Zac Efron’s fantasy of high school girls. Creep.

H1N1 in Perspective

Posted in Matt's Blog on July 22, 2009 by mattgr

EDITOR’S NOTE: Matt, this isn’t funny at all and overly preachy at the end. You fail at comedy and at life in general
Matt’s NOTE: Yeah, but I’m also the editor, so this is a completely fake conflict here. Goddamn editors

The media. It’s like heroin to me. I’m a media junkie. I read the news from several news corporations around the world, several times a day. And like any addiction, I both love and hate it. While I love the free exchange of ideas and information, I believe the media will be the death of us. Why? The loss of perspective that comes with entertainment based coverage, that’s why.

While it would be tempting and comically easy to talk about Michael Jackson and how his untimely death made news corporations into tabloids, I’m going to steer clear of that. This time, I’m actually going to write on something of substance: the H1N1 Virus.

The H1N1 flu virus (“Pandemic” since June 2009) has just claimed its 700th casualty. No doubt this is tragic, as any death is. But the World Health Organization now says the virus is “unstoppable”. Hold on, are we talking about flu or the T-1000?

Pictured: H1N1

The point is a little perspective is required here. The H1N1 broke out four months ago, claiming 700 people in that time period. It is on pace to kill 2800 this year. For the sake of argument I’ll even decuple (thanks dictionary!) that number to 28,000/year to account for additional spread. Perhaps the WHO is right about ‘unstoppable’, except for the fact that the WHO reports that the regular flu kills 250,000 to 500,000 a year. Wait, what?

H1N1

700 (fact)

2800 (on pace)

28,000 (for the sake of argument)

Regular Flu

250,000 to 500,000 (fact)

Hmm, alright, but H1N1 kills healthy people, not just the kids and the elderly. This is true. Only about 10% of regular flu deaths are healthy people. But that’s still 25,000 to 50,000 healthy people a year.

So, news corporations, begin the freakout! It’s unstoppable alright. Lock up your daughters, cancel school, close hospitals, avoid public interaction with anyone! Maybe if they reported the regular flu as much as the H1N1, I would be worried. But, since it’s a yearly thing, kind of like Christmas or Chinese government massacres, meh, no one bats an eye. H1N1 is new, fresh, and dangerous. It’s perfect for the news.

Why is Everyone in the Music Industry So Depressed?

Posted in Matt's Blog on July 13, 2009 by mattgr

Monday is such a terrible day. It’s the start of the week, you have to wake up early after enjoying 1pm wakeup times over the course of the weekend, and your body finally begins to feel the full effect of excessive alcohol ingested days before. On Monday, fun is over and work begins. Arguably, the only thing worse than Monday is Sunday night, but that’s only because of the impending doom of Monday.

So today, after I got home from work, I decided to relax and enjoy some uplifting music while I surfed the internet and generally shot the proverbial shit.

This was the wrong move.

First Song: Sometime Around Midnight by the Airborne Toxic Event

I like this song. The band also starts with an A, so it’s at the top of the iTunes list. Seems like a pretty reasonable place to start. It’s a nice, melodic song that starts out slow and builds until a full band crescendo at the end, no doubt sending every live crowd they play for wild. I start singing along in my head to the lyrics. It starts off good enough:

“the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while,

And the piano’s this melancholy sound check to her smile”

Poetic, cute. Almost a little too much. But as the song progresses and it becomes faster paced, it turns into a horror show:

“and you don’t care what you look like, the world is falling around you,

You just have to see her, and you know that she’ll break you in two”.

Attempt 1 at alleviating Monday induced depression: FAIL

Second Song: Amphetamine by Everclear

This song was big back in the day. OK I lied, but it’s on the same CD as Father of Mine, and one of my favorites since I was about 9 years old. It’s a super fast paced rock song about a girl named Amy, and really fun to belt out at a concert. Like Sometime Around Midnight, it starts off decent enough:

“She came out West to find the sun,

She lost her name but found a new one

Amy goes to school all day,

But at night in the neighborhood they call her Amphetamine”

The problem with this song is that it rocks out relentlessly for 2 minutes and 15 seconds, before dropping off into a saddening melody with only violins that sound like they’re crying. The lyrics don’t help:

“Met her at a party and I took her home,

She is the saddest girl that I have ever known

Yeah she wakes me up in the middle of the night

Just to tell me everything will be alright”

Attempt 2 at alleviating Monday induced depression: FAIL

Third Song: Giant by The Matthew Good Band

Another long time favorite, Giant is Matthew Good’s flagship song to open a concert. It both rocks out and acts as a lady killer in the same 6:10 minutes. I had high hopes for this one after paying attention to the last two. How can you not with the way it starts out:

[Cheerleaders chanting]

“K-I-C-K-A-S-S- [clap, clap, clap… clap, clap]

That’s the way we spell success! [clap, clap, clap… clap, clap]”

I should have known better. Matt Good is depressed all the time and it certainly shows in all his cryptically written songs. No single quote will do. It’s an overly ironic love song where he states things like the compliment ‘you’re beautiful’ is a uniform compliment that really means nothing. Other gems include invitations to kick him because he’s bleeding, and that the future is whoring. Matt Good lyrics: even in context they’re confusing.

Attempt 3 at alleviating Monday induced depression: FAIL

Fourth Song: Find Yourself by John O’Callaghan feat. Sarah Howells

After three failed attempts at rock music, I switched genres to trance. This song was included in a Podcast I downloaded and never heard it before. May as well take a chance. While the beat was good enough to be used at Suite 34 on Guido night, the lyrics make it a point to get you to kill yourself. Gems include:

“Looking at life through a loaded gun,

Take your best shot, aim it at the sun”

And:

“You’ll find yourself,

You’ll find yourself, Alone……….” [Repeated 40 times]

Thanks Sarah, for those inspiring words.

Attempt 4 at alleviating Monday induced depression: FAIL

Fifth Song: Day N’ Nite by Kid Cudi

Fuck it. I’m going to go watch Bruno.

GhostRunner’s Work (Ethic) Divide

Posted in Matt's Blog on April 5, 2009 by mattgr

Here at GhostRunner, we are a fairly tight nit group of likeminded and extremely good looking people. We tend to get along very well, with the rare exception of Evan’s periodic rage induced beatings. Most would believe that we work equally hard in order to bring you top notch comedic relief for your otherwise mundane internet surfing routine, but sadly, this is not the case.

Over the past few months, it has become quite clear that a schism exists in GhostRunner. The divide is one based mostly on work ethic, but does also incorporate things like drinking ability. One could make the argument that these two things are related. I myself would like to see the evidence.

Touché

So, let us see where the divide exists:

Tim

Tim is the reason for GhostRunner’s being. Not only did he start it before the invention of the telephone, he also came up with the name, provides the office space, and generally comes up with the most ideas. When not working his day job, Tim dedicates his spare time to setting up websites, submitting things to Cracked, writing scripts, coordinating shoots, and downloading absolutely retarded amounts of music. Also, I’m pretty sure he is a superhero of some kind since I can never seem to be able to reach him at night…

Also, he dresses like this

Evan

Evan, or as no one ever calls him, “Hey you behind the bushes” (I eagerly await our first copywrite infringement lawsuit), is second only to Elf #3 from Santa’s workshop as the hardest working employee on the planet. Not only does Evan churn out scripts like it’s his job (actually, it is), he’s also assigned the roles with the most lines, given responsibility for anything animated, and also designated the GhostRunner bodyguard. What’s even more amazing is that despite the massive workload he endures here, he still managers to get in 22 hours at the gym everyday.

Evan: Body Double foe the Incredible Hulk

Alex

Alex was supposed to write her own part in this blog, but never got around to it. So… yeah, there it is.

Matt

And finally, the self-proclaimed (but not recognized) King of Everything. I would like to include myself with the hard workers of GhostRunner, but that is simply not the case. While I write a number of website posts, they’re often done in order to avoid other, more pressing work. Case in point, I am supposed to be writing a 20 page paper on Jewish ghetto culture right now. Ha, like that’s going to happen!

Not to say I’m not busy; I have to work a day job, attend school, and organize trips to Kingston in order to wingman for my friends as they try to pick up Queens girls. It’s just that I pail in comparison to the other three GhostRunners (…GhostRunnerers?… GhostRunnerites?) in terms of quality hard work produced.

I'm also pretty lazy with the Halloween costumes

So now that you’re aware of who does what here at GhostRunner, if you have any complaints, you know who to blame.

How to Unleash Zombies and Make Money While Doing It

Posted in Matt's Blog on March 26, 2009 by mattgr

Our culture has been fascinated with the concept of zombies for decades. In fact, it has become so popular that many are finding ways of making copious amounts of money off the phenomenon. While at work today, I was brainstorming how I too, could weigh in on this cash cow of reanimated death.

My first though was to create a zombie survival guide. But this has been done. In fact, a quick search of Amazon will reveal that many books on the subject are, in fact, already for sale. One of which I have already read and passed on to my friends. Needless to say, we are ready for the onslaught.

The second option I came to was weapons manufacturing. We could make weapons designed for the soft skull of a zombie and sell them on EBay. Good idea but the market is way too small. Not many would pay top dollar for a weapon that will never be used.

Finally it dawned on me; the most lucrative zombie related business plan that hasn’t been done yet. It’s simple really: unleash the zombies.

Training for the Apocalypse

Now this plan will raise some obvious questions:

1) How do you reanimate the living into soulless brain eating monsters?

2) Even if you do, how do you profit from this?

3) Why aren’t you wearing pants?

While I lack answers for #3, I can enlighten you on the first two. The process is as follows:

1)      Incorporate a fake company with a scientific sounding name. (Ex: Medex Reanimation)

2)      Claim to be researching a reverse aging process by studying reanimated stem cells. Once Big Pharma receives wind of your ambitious project, sell close to 75% of your fake incorporated company to pharmaceutical investors.

3)      Kidnap top scientists from the following counties: China, Russia, India, and Romania (even though they’re more vampire oriented). Set these scientists to work on molecular restructuring projects. In about 10 year’s time, they’ll have discovered the way to reanimate mass populations into zombie-like creatures.

4)      Take the money received from Big Pharma investments and buy mass amounts of shares in a wide variety of weapons and ammunition manufacturing companies.

5)      Unleash the reanimated living in a localized area. Make sure the infection does not spread too quickly just yet. News of a zombie outbreak in Northern Ontario will spread globally in the matter of hours. People everywhere will buy mass amounts of weapons and ammo in order to fight off their impending doom, making weapons companies billions of dollars in a very short amount of time.

6)      Once the buying frenzy has cooled, sell all stocks and other assets, making billions of dollars in the process.

7)      As you liquidate your assets, the zombie infection will no doubt spread, taking over the world in a matter of months.

It’s at this point I expect some will question the motives involved. Sure you’re now a billionaire, but zombies have taken over and the world as we know it is gone. Don’t fret. According to the zombie survival guide I had previously mentioned, zombies have a lifespan of only 2-3 years. With your billions of dollars, you would be able to afford an adequate defence system to wait out the zombie attack. Once all the zombies die off from malnutrition and numerous bullets to the face, head and groin, all remaining people will be free to establish a new world order.

Since you will no doubt be one of the richest remaining people in the world, you will have a say in how future society is to be organized. You will also go down in history as one of the greatest super-villains of all time, responsible for the reanimation and death of billions of people in the name of becoming rich and famous.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to register Medex Reanimation.