Archive for the Timothy's Blog Category

Merry New Years

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on January 1, 2010 by Timothy D Riel

Happy New Years to all my friends.

A Toast.

May the best days of your past be the worst days of your future.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my life, I love you all equally. Some, of course, more equally than others. Stay safe and be successful, but above all be happy.

Here’s to hoping I keep the friends I have, meet up again with those I’ve lost and gain new and exciting friends in the future.

Merry New Years everyone.

Come Find Us on FunnyorDie.com

Posted in Blogs, Press, Timothy's Blog, Uncategorized on November 17, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

As some of you already know, we are slowly attempting to manouevre ourselves into position for our big and awesome reveal to the world. We are slowly turning our many, many ideas into scripts, and those scripts into video. (Yes, we will have more video’s soon). The plan, of course, is to have a base of content already in place when people start to notice us.

To this end, we have added our videos to Funnyordie.com.

Check them out here:
Click Me!

Thanks

Remembrance Day

Posted in Timothy's Blog with tags , , , , , , on November 11, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

First, here is a link to something I had a hand in making.

http://digg.com/d319drL

Second, here is my blog.

Remembrance Day

Coming from a military family, I have a different viewpoint as to what goes on in the Canadian Military.

If you don’t understand or know what it is we as a military are doing, I implore you to do some research.

If you think we are at war for oil, for economic reasons or because the United States told us to, do some research.

We are NOT in any region that will benefit us economically, we may fight from time to time by the US’ side but our main missions and tasks are our own.

We choose what we do and where we go and in our entire history as a sovereign nation our goal has always been to help wherever we are needed.

To keep peace, to fight inequality and tyranny and to defend the defenseless.

Anyone who thinks differently must have the american military mixed up with our own.

We are NOT in Iraq.

We are in Afghanistan, Haiti, Africa.

We build roads, schools, hospitals.

We train police forces, militaries and healthcare workers.

We are proud.

The Canadian Military is the most respected military among all the worlds militaries. Period. Ask any soldier, airman or seaman from any military.

Our men and women are the selfless heros we pray will be there in our time of need.

For many, they are the answered prayer, the once lost hope and the greatest chance for peace and happiness.

They deserve your respect.

They deserve to be honoured.

Most of all they deserve to be championed by every Canadian Citizen with breath in their lungs, not only for keeping our freedom alive but for trying to bestow that same freedom on the helpless, the hopeless and the defenseless.

We need to remember them, not just today but everyday.

P.S. sorry this wasn’t funny.

“If you won’t stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them”

An Open Letter to Jesus

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on April 23, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

First, read this…

barton-tweet-400

—————————————————————————————————————–

Letter to Jesus

I Want To See Those Boots: Public Apologies and the End of Carrie Underwoods Career

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on April 13, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

You can usually trace the fall of a celebrity’s career back to the moment that said celebrity has been forced to apologize for something ridiculous, something that no person should need to apologize for.

Granted, many celebrities need to apologize for some pretty bad shit and that’s understandable.

r kelly rob lowe

You ain’t gangsta, Rob Lowe!
Maybe we both banged an underage chick, but I peed on mine.

It’s the really pathetic stuff that really shows the public disdain of said celebrity. To hate someone so much that we feel the need to force them into humility for some, arguably, pretty normal shit.

For Example:

Pee Wee Herman aka Paul Reubens

pee-wee

It’s the late 80’s / early 90’s and Paul Reubens is annoying people every Saturday with his “Playhouse” show, his stupid honking laugh and ridiculous daily word gag. He had a gay ass bike too, but I’m sure it had less to do with his downfall at the hands of the apology-demanding masses than the stupid talking furniture.

peewee playhouse

Back off, stupid Chair.

Paul Reubens was arrested for jumping onto the stage at a large Cineplex filled with children during a matinee of Toy Story, whipping out his manhood and fire hosing the crowd with his baby jelly.

Gotcha! That’s not true.

reubens not norton

Gotcha again! This is not Ed Norton. It’s Pee Wee Herman.

That would have been pretty awful and very worthy of a public apology.

So what’s the real story?

Paul went to a greasy porn theatre, sat in a greasy porn theatre seat, watched a greasy porn movie and pulled his greasy pud in the darkened, nearly empty theatre.

That’s pretty gross, sure, but one needs to ask; why does he need to apologize to his fans?

What were we expecting him to do while watching porn? Knit a cardigan? Solve a Sudoku? It’s PORN.

The only apology needed is to the poor Korean kids who lost their lives making the VCR he should have been watching his porn on at home.

download- blossom

Or maybe the internet should apologize for being delivered at 14.4 kb/s.

Bill Clinton

bill-clinton-picture

Ex-President and real star of the “Animaniacs” show opening makes this list for his Oval office indiscretions. What he did may have been pretty bad but, on a global scale, didn’t really warrant a PUBLIC apology. He got blown by a willing 20 year old intern who wanted a mouthful of power.

The president should have been wise enough to NOT insert his manhood into her gaping maw, but he may have been pre-occupied PREVENTING NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION IN ASIA.

He was also trying to balance a national budget and negotiate the political quagmire that is the house of representatives to push through legislation to make the country a better place.

Roseanne Moustache

Making fun of Bill Clinton is cliché.
Here is Roseanne. I added a moustache.

I do not condone what he did, just saying that the apology should have been TO HIS WIFE. It has NOTHING to do with his governing abilities. It would be like firing a professional Baseball player because he sucks at macramé.

jeter macrame

Damn it Jeter, what CAN’T you do?

Also, I may have forced Bill into this list. His downfall was only partially caused by this scandal, but mostly due to term limitations.

bill clinton retired

And now he does this.

Isaiah Washington

washington

Dr. Preston Burke appears on this list despite my fear of being discovered as the shameless lover of all things “Grey” that I am.

meredith grey

Except for Meredith.  I hate you, Meredith.

This is a classic case of why you shouldn’t ever do adult fare for Disney. Ever.

Isaiah Washington was fired from the show after he allegedly called T.R. Knight (George) a bad F-word that rhymes with laggot during an altercation backstage. Fired WAY after the altercation. Like, months after. The altercation didn’t even involve T.R., it was between Burke and McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey).

jello fight

And may or may not have included Jello.

Again, this is bad shit, and I don’t condone calling people bad things hatefully, but why apologize publicly? Be a man and apologize for being a total douche to the guy you were being a douche to and let him punch you in the face. End of story.

What is Disney doing letting this story out and subsequently forcing a public apology only to fire the guy months later when the overweight, bible-thumping housewives of middle America write them letters telling you to do so? You are weak Disney.
That’s why Pixar hates you. Stop letting the letter writing lonely hearts dictate the cast and story of “Grey’s”.

Obviously, Isaiah Washington was less liked than Patrick Dempsey because there was no outrage at the “unprovoked racially-motivated attack” on Isaiah Washington. I say racially motivated because Isaiah was black, and based on derivative logic used to condemn Isaiah, means the attack was racial since Isaiah calling T.R. a F-word while T.R. was gay was an overtly sexist comment.

preston_burke

Maybe you shouldn’t have taken the credit for all those amazing surgery’s that Christina did for you when you were all shaky in the hands, Asshole.

Carrie Underwood

carrie underwood

For my next trick, I am now going to use the past as a predictor of future events.

First, go read this.

I’ll wait…

minesweeper

These mines aren’t going to sweep themselves, you know.

If you’re like me, you read that through twice. You read it twice because YOU COULDN”T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH WHAT SHE SAID.

If you were too lazy to click the link just now, go fucking read it you lazy ass.

Some of you still haven’t read through the article I linked to, so here it is in a nutshell.

Matthew McConaughey was presenting an award at the CMA’s, and since he has nothing to do with country music in general, he felt the need to connect himself to the fans of said genre. He told a cute story about how he and his brother used to lie about making boots for a country music star so they could bang chicks. Everyone chuckled and applauded and when things settled down he announced that Carrie Underwood won an award. She came on stage to accept the award and…

warning

It’s at this point I would like to stop and warn you of the upcoming offensiveness and implore you to ensure that any and all children be removed from the room as the following is too vulgar for little eyes and ears.

… Carrie turned to Matthew and said “I want to see those boots, Matthew.”

THAT’S RIGHT! (I warned you.)

I. Want. To See. Those Boots. Matthew.

But wait! It gets worse!

According to this US Weekly article, McConaughey’s wife and 8 month old son were in the audience and SAW THE WHOLE THING.

Subsequently, Carrie’s publicist and fans demanded a public apology.

I am so confused about this story, that I have decided to discover if maybe the controversy might be hidden in the individual words used.

So take a ride with me.

I: A singular pronoun referring to the speakers self. Nothing wrong here.

Want: Verb indicating a desire to possess and/or obtain. Still good.

To See: The use of the ocular nerve to relay sensory information to the brain and decoding it into an image that can be recognized by an individual. Seems pretty G-Rated.

Those Boots: Referring to a certain and specific item, in this case footwear. Scandalous? Not really.

Matthew: One of the Apostles and scribe of one of the Holy Gospels. Also, THE ONLY PERSON ON STAGE AT THE CMA’s THAT SAID ANYTHING DIRTY.

McConaughey told a story admitting that HE LIED to young girls to FUCK THEM.

Carrie responded to MATTHEW’s story much the same way as many women would.

Seriously, Matthew is a very hot guy.

So hot that even I have trouble not “wanting to see those boots”.

In fact, he has based his entire career on being the hottest man alive, that every woman wants to bang. To fault Carrie for joking about that manufactured desire is absurd and typically sexist.

If Matthew had said the same thing to Carrie, there would be no controversy. And that is very hard for me to admit in writing, since I hate agreeing with feminists.

feminist

I hate this person.

So Matthew goes home and continues his great career and Carrie is forced to apologize for something ridiculous.

I’m sorry Carrie, but this is the beginning of the end.

I hope you had fun while it lasted.

Top 5 Genre Defining Movies (As Defined by Timothy)

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog with tags , , , , on January 22, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

These are the movies that did it for me. They are the films I think of when someone asks me what is my favorite (Insert Genre Here) Film.

#5- Best Buddy Comedy


“Tommy Boy”

tommy_boy

Click Me


Spade and Farley are comedy gold. Poignant and timeless questions abound.

-How can two people that hate each other find common ground?

– Will Tommy Boy ever find love?

– Will Tommy Boy ever make his father proud?

-Would you stick your head up a bull’s ass to to get a good look at a T-Bone, or would you take the Butchers word for it?

-Who’s your favourite “Little Rascal”?

It’s really an in depth look at friendship and humanity’s constant struggle to find a soul mate in a cold and heartless world. A struggle to find reason, a struggle for hope but mostly a struggle to sell the new “Callahan Nickel Cadmium Brake Pads”

Honourable Mention:

“Dude, Where’s My Car”

dude_wheres_my_car

Click Me


Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott are pitch perfect. Turn off your brain and enjoy this extremely convoluted joy ride.

#4- Best Teen Romantic Comedy


“10 Things I Hate About You”

10 things

Click Me

We all became obsessed with Heath Ledger’s career from this point on. Anyone who saw this knew he was meant for big things. From “A Knights Tale” to “The Dark Knight” we knew this guy was the future. Plus, how fucking hot is Alex Mack in this?

(Google that shit if you don’t remember Alex Mack from YTV”)

(and if you do, then…Fist Bump!)

Honourable Mention:

“8 Days A Week”

eight_days_dvd

Click… Seriously, you haven’t figured this out yet?

Try to find this comedy gem. It has it all.

-That hot chick from Felicity

– A loveable main character whose nearly creepy and very “restraining orderable” stunt is so mind-bogglingly dumb that we wish we had thought of it

– A Douche getting kicked in the balls

– A dirty, dirty MILF and,

– A guy who fucks a watermelon.

Seriously, who doesn’t want to see that?

#3 Psychological Thriller

(read: creepy mindfuck movie)


“Se7en”

se7en

You know what to do

This movie is insane. Balls Out Insane! The murders are so sickeningly contrived (that lust murder? Yeah, that was fucked up.), the plot twists hit you so fast but somehow stay within the realm of believability, the characterization is fucking phenomenal and that ending, Best Ending Ever. The most accurate portrayal of human reaction and emotion I’ve ever seen in a movie like this.

Honourable Mention:

“Saw”

saw

Do It

This movie was just what the doctor ordered.

Those sequels only ruined it for everyone.

Note: Don’t write to me asking where “Silence of the Lambs” is. 
It didn’t make the list.

#2- Best Action Movie


“True Lies”

true-lies-dvd

Come on! Click it, see the trailer. It’s not rocket surgery.

The epitome of the Action Flick. Period. Don’t believe me? Lets count them off then, shall we.

1-Awesome main character.

2- Hot cougar wife.

3- Spies using their resources for silly personal shit.

4- James Bond-like scenarios without the douche-bagginess of actually being James Bond

5- Tom Arnold in a role that makes him like-able

6- Insane and highly improbable chase sequence on a HORSE into and up a building.

7- Hot super-villainess from “Waynes World”

8- Final Gun-Fight involves bad guy with a gun and Arnold with A FUCKING HARRIER JET!!!

9- I’m sorry… I have to stop now… My adrenaline is so high that I went and lifted four buses off of trapped children after punching a hippo in the face.

And then I won the Olympics.

Honorable Mention:

“Die Hard With A Vengeance”

die hard

Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson solving riddles = Gold.

#1- Best Mystery/Whodunit Movie


“The Usual Suspects”

theusualsuspects

Actually, don’t click here. Just watch the movie.

Hands Down the greatest movie ever in the history of ever.

Fucking Ever!

Who is Keyser Soze indeed!

Honorable Mention:

“Who Is Cletis Tout?”

who-is-cletis-tout

Click it.

Good luck finding this movie. It was awesome. Tim Allen is a hitman sent to kill Christian Slater, except Christian Slater isn’t really the guy that he’s supposed to be. Plus the hitman is a little obsessed with scriptwriting and classic movies. Brilliant.

That’s it for now. Stay Tuned for more of these movie list things.

P.S. Don't worry if you disagree with my choices. 
God has put enough people on the Earth that I'm sure 
no-one will notice that you're wrong.

I’m So Lonely

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog on December 31, 2008 by Timothy D Riel

Funny is a team sport. This fact has never been clearer to me than it is right now.

I’m sitting in my living room, unshowered and yet fully clothed in some jeans and a button up shirt trying to think of something funny. I’m trying, but not succeeding in every attempt to write something that will make people laugh. I suppose I would probably be curled up into a self-pitying heap of man sobs if it weren’t for these delicious dark chocolate covered pretzels from Snyders that I purchased for 70% off at Wal-Mart and also, I am a bad-ass.

pretzels

“The Official Snack of Bad-Ass”

I have not had the occasion to be funny for about a week now. Sure, I`ve made people laugh and re-hashed some classic tom-foolery with my wife Marie, but nothing that seemed, at least  to me, to be brilliant, groundbreaking and funny to the extent that a new internet acronym should be invented for IM-ing it`s brilliance.

too long acronym

Bottom Line: I miss my friends.

violins

Matt and Evan and Alex have all been doing their Christmas and New Years thing and, minus a quick five minute call to Matt about a possible awesome idea, we haven`t spoken. I guess this has really started to rub me wrong since I noticed that last Saturday would have been our normal meeting. We postponed it a couple of weeks due to family and life obligations but I can`t help but feel that something is missing.

These three people make me funnier. Other people make me funny too, don`t take offence ye of great offence taking, but there is something inherently funny about these guys and the things we come up with together.

To date, GR has nearly caused (or fuelled the fire for) a break-up of a members relationship, speculatively caused a real break up on the production side (the “behind the people” people), numerous BF/GF fights, and Matt having sex with teenagers (of the legal Québec drinking age, seriously. He’s not a dirty, dirty man, plus the dude’s only 21 for Christ’s sake).

matt creepy

“I swear this is Matt only pretending to be dirty”

Even with all this, the core group has managed to attend the production meetings and have come up with (at last count) 32 hilarious outlined premises, 5 that have become fully producible scripts, a sitcom idea, and a film concept. It is amazing stuff really, when you think about all the other things going on in our lives. We all have full time jobs, most of us are full time students, some of us are married, we live relatively far apart, two of us are fat, Evan has to work out at least 17 hours a day or he gets cranky and we only meet every two weeks. Despite these things, we continue to push forward and things seem pretty good. This could be something big, we all feel it.

I suppose that’s why I miss my friends today. This really is a team sport. It’s hard to be funny alone and it’s still two weeks until the next GR meeting.

I apologize to those who thought they would laugh more while reading this. Rest assured however that the next piece I write will be of a more humorous nature.

Or maybe I’ll add a picture of my impression of an old mans ass.