Archive for Funny

Mixed Emotions

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2010 by EAbrams

I am both thrilled and disgusted with a new show on FX. The show is Archer, and for anyone who hasn’t seen the pilot, it is funny stuff. It’s only 15 minutes long but I lol consistently. This promo sums it up quite nicely in what you’re in for. Also watch all the other promos if you are safe to giggle. This means not at work. Also some have breasts so your co-workers will think ill of you unless they’re cool.

It’s in the same vain as Frisky Dingo and the spin off from that The Xtacles. Both those shows had decidedly low production values compared to Archer, probably because FX can wield a larger budget than Adult Swim and it shows in their art and animation staff. The art style is semi realistic using actors as a base model for a retro cartoon feel. Also those actors are terrific as the voice delivery is top notch featuring SNL’s Chris Parnell, funny man H. Jon Benjamin, and the vivacious Aisha Tyler. The show is a delightful combination of sarcasm, sexual innuendo, spies and smarmy behavior, all of which are the key ingredients to things I like.

As for what I do not like: like most complaints here at Ghostrunner it’s that I didn’t do it first! Perhaps what is most frustrating is that this is not only a show i enjoy watching but that I would enjoy making. So to that end I’ve made a list of projects I’ll be getting to while I’m looking for work and waiting for call backs and the like so I can be productive with my time and keep reaching for that rainbow.

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Top 5 Genre Defining Movies (As Defined by Timothy)

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog with tags , , , , on January 22, 2009 by Timothy D Riel

These are the movies that did it for me. They are the films I think of when someone asks me what is my favorite (Insert Genre Here) Film.

#5- Best Buddy Comedy


“Tommy Boy”

tommy_boy

Click Me


Spade and Farley are comedy gold. Poignant and timeless questions abound.

-How can two people that hate each other find common ground?

– Will Tommy Boy ever find love?

– Will Tommy Boy ever make his father proud?

-Would you stick your head up a bull’s ass to to get a good look at a T-Bone, or would you take the Butchers word for it?

-Who’s your favourite “Little Rascal”?

It’s really an in depth look at friendship and humanity’s constant struggle to find a soul mate in a cold and heartless world. A struggle to find reason, a struggle for hope but mostly a struggle to sell the new “Callahan Nickel Cadmium Brake Pads”

Honourable Mention:

“Dude, Where’s My Car”

dude_wheres_my_car

Click Me


Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott are pitch perfect. Turn off your brain and enjoy this extremely convoluted joy ride.

#4- Best Teen Romantic Comedy


“10 Things I Hate About You”

10 things

Click Me

We all became obsessed with Heath Ledger’s career from this point on. Anyone who saw this knew he was meant for big things. From “A Knights Tale” to “The Dark Knight” we knew this guy was the future. Plus, how fucking hot is Alex Mack in this?

(Google that shit if you don’t remember Alex Mack from YTV”)

(and if you do, then…Fist Bump!)

Honourable Mention:

“8 Days A Week”

eight_days_dvd

Click… Seriously, you haven’t figured this out yet?

Try to find this comedy gem. It has it all.

-That hot chick from Felicity

– A loveable main character whose nearly creepy and very “restraining orderable” stunt is so mind-bogglingly dumb that we wish we had thought of it

– A Douche getting kicked in the balls

– A dirty, dirty MILF and,

– A guy who fucks a watermelon.

Seriously, who doesn’t want to see that?

#3 Psychological Thriller

(read: creepy mindfuck movie)


“Se7en”

se7en

You know what to do

This movie is insane. Balls Out Insane! The murders are so sickeningly contrived (that lust murder? Yeah, that was fucked up.), the plot twists hit you so fast but somehow stay within the realm of believability, the characterization is fucking phenomenal and that ending, Best Ending Ever. The most accurate portrayal of human reaction and emotion I’ve ever seen in a movie like this.

Honourable Mention:

“Saw”

saw

Do It

This movie was just what the doctor ordered.

Those sequels only ruined it for everyone.

Note: Don’t write to me asking where “Silence of the Lambs” is. 
It didn’t make the list.

#2- Best Action Movie


“True Lies”

true-lies-dvd

Come on! Click it, see the trailer. It’s not rocket surgery.

The epitome of the Action Flick. Period. Don’t believe me? Lets count them off then, shall we.

1-Awesome main character.

2- Hot cougar wife.

3- Spies using their resources for silly personal shit.

4- James Bond-like scenarios without the douche-bagginess of actually being James Bond

5- Tom Arnold in a role that makes him like-able

6- Insane and highly improbable chase sequence on a HORSE into and up a building.

7- Hot super-villainess from “Waynes World”

8- Final Gun-Fight involves bad guy with a gun and Arnold with A FUCKING HARRIER JET!!!

9- I’m sorry… I have to stop now… My adrenaline is so high that I went and lifted four buses off of trapped children after punching a hippo in the face.

And then I won the Olympics.

Honorable Mention:

“Die Hard With A Vengeance”

die hard

Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson solving riddles = Gold.

#1- Best Mystery/Whodunit Movie


“The Usual Suspects”

theusualsuspects

Actually, don’t click here. Just watch the movie.

Hands Down the greatest movie ever in the history of ever.

Fucking Ever!

Who is Keyser Soze indeed!

Honorable Mention:

“Who Is Cletis Tout?”

who-is-cletis-tout

Click it.

Good luck finding this movie. It was awesome. Tim Allen is a hitman sent to kill Christian Slater, except Christian Slater isn’t really the guy that he’s supposed to be. Plus the hitman is a little obsessed with scriptwriting and classic movies. Brilliant.

That’s it for now. Stay Tuned for more of these movie list things.

P.S. Don't worry if you disagree with my choices. 
God has put enough people on the Earth that I'm sure 
no-one will notice that you're wrong.

X-mas Presents II

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , , , on January 15, 2009 by EAbrams

My girlfriend and I like movies. I hear about some couples who don’t like the same movies. That sounds terrible. Thankfully Laurel and I like the same things:

  • Tits
  • Crude one-liners
  • and the retro stylings of the 70’s both, 18 and 1970s

For X-mas this lovely little lady got me all these as gorgeous Pam Grier does what she does best; laying the smack down on white pushers and their naturally weak white hoes. Her sexcellence is best evidenced in her title roles as Coffy and Foxy Brown.

Coffy chronicles the epic revenge of a black woman on the edge. A night nurse begins getting vengeance on the pimps and pushers of her hood after her sister (13 years old) ODs on smack. 13!

Holy shit they hook em much older than cigarettes.

Holy shit they hook em much older than cigarettes.

Her cop ex-boyfriend who is a prince among pimps is horribly murdered as she begins to feel “feelings” for him again. Her vengeance spiral continues as her current boyfriend, a black senator and sleaze, rises in power. Think of an evil Terence Howard. Eventually Coffy kills her way up the pimp ladder using the bodies of hoes as rungs. So much excellent hoe-on-hoe action it’s like a garden shed fell over… and everyone’s breasts were hanging out! They even make excuses to show more breasts. Gratuitous? Hells yes.

White women are naturally fearfull of assertive black women once their illusion of power is smashed like so many coke bottles.

White women are naturally fearfull of assertive black women once their illusion of power is smashed like so many coke bottles.

The Colour Purple has nothing on Coffy.

The Colour Purple has nothing on Coffy.

Long story short she gets hers, and he gets his. Her senator man boy orders her killed with drugs, she escapes and finds him bedding a white woman, in a complete treachery of his people. And then clack clack double shotty in the body.

So the script calls for more contrived nudity you say?

So the script calls for more contrived nudity you say?

Wait, there's a chance to show tits again back here!

Wait, there's a chance to show tits again back here!

Oddly the plot of Foxy Brown is about the same but higher scale. Foxy’s dead man is an FBI informant. Her traitor is her brother. She busts up international drug rings, infiltrates international sex rings and flies a plane through a guy!

I think I’ll write a blaxploitation film!

Independent, strong, and forceful woman avenging her dead lover. National or international drug and prostitution rings abound and are bested by said woman. Tits are exposed. Someone says ‘bitch don’t even’. Someone else says ‘daaaaamn!’ Big cars, big afros, and tacky tacky wallpaper.

Now all I need is a title…

  • Hott Chocolate
  • Dark Roast
  • Foxy in Sox
  • Steamed Latte (this one’s with a white girl)

Titles are hard, I’d like to see you do better!

X-mas Presents I

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , , , on January 8, 2009 by EAbrams

This Christmas my parents got me Trivial Pursuit 25th Anniversary Edition. There is really only one thing to say about a gift like that…

Trivia-Tastic!

I heart trivial pursuit. I love filling up my pie with knowledge wedges and questing for more delicious pieces.

Sadly up till now I only had the old school Genus Edition from the 60s. None of my friends were very good at it having not lived through the years previous to 1965. For that reason alone, perhaps, that we were unable to come up with answers like: Gracie Allen, The Crimean War, or Who met Frank in 1950 something? The Answer to the latter was Mutt I believe.

Irrespective, I now possess modern trivial gaming good times.

The pros:

  • Redesigned pies make adding and removing wedges a breeze. Finally!
  • Varied skill levels allow for handicapping of trivial light weights so everyone can have a good time.
  • The ability to challenge rivals to a face off for pie pieces and spite adding fierce rivalry to the game. Granted you could have just instituted challening as a house rule years ago, as massivly pretentious Timothy informed me, but now it has been legitimized in the rules.
  • It is an excellent forum for drinking games. You get your question wrong, you drink, you keep getting them wrong, you pass out and wake up with a trivia wedge lodged in your ear.

The cons:

  • Has a bizarre extra track that can be confusing. Recommendation: don’t use it.
  • Pie holders still too big for board spaces, can cause uncomfortable jostling and stacking during play.

Final Recommendation:

Go out and get some. It’ll be a great time with your friends. If you don’t have friends, get some, or gimme a call and we’ll bond over your brutal thrashing in Trivial Pursuit 25th Anniversary Edition!

The Moral of the Story

Posted in Blogs, Timothy's Blog with tags , , , , , , on December 20, 2008 by Timothy D Riel

Stories have been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember. I love books and I love stories

As I get older, however, I start to really analyze what it is I am reading and, looking back, I start to see some very obvious twisting of the messages aimed towards children.

Take the Hardy Boys for instance. Those books weren’t even all written by the same guy. Franklin W. Dixon is the pseudonym for several writers from a book farm who were paid to produce Hardy Boys mysteries like so much canned corn. The books themselves were badly written and held some pretty flimsy life lessons.

Here are some things I have learned from the Hardy Boys.

1- I learned never to trust anyone who seems different (read: not white and/or weird accent)

hardy_boys_cover_chinese
“Jeepers Joe, I bet those yellow fellas have something to do with this”

2- The police need my help even if they tell me to go home or they’ll arrest me. Me being a 14 year old boy and they being bureaucratic, lazy pen pushers.

hardy boys shore road
“Golly Frank, good thing we’re on the case or the cops would have never found that gigantic spiderweb with a dude on it!”

3– Getting caught by gun toting criminals will result in my being held in a dark room or some other such place, but NOT KILLED, until the timely arrival of my 14 and 15 year old brother and friends.

hidharbmy
“Wow Joe, you’re just in the nick of time. Who would have thought that would happen a 54th time?”

My real problem with childhood stories, however, is with the much more inaccurate Fables.

When I was growing up, Fables were everywhere. I had books of Fables, adults recounted fables from memory and even Jesus through the magic of the bible was telling me Fables.

A Fable is a life lesson story, usually with anthropomorphized animals in bizarre and unlikely situations. At the end of the story, as an addendum, there is a moral. The life lesson we were supposed to learn.

That sounds fine if the moral was actually correct or made any sense.

Here are some of my favourite Fables, their morals and what I actually learned from the story.

The Tortoise and The Hare

A rabbit and a tortoise have a foot race. The rabbit scoffs at the tortoise and brags it up. “I’m so awesome” he says (or something like that). The race is started and the rabbit takes off like lightning. The tortoise starts trudging down the course at a leisurely pace. The rabbit, seeing how much in the lead he is, decides to take a nap a couple metres from the finish line. Long story short, the tortoise wins while the rabbit sleeps.

Moral- “Slow and steady wins the race”

I’m calling bullshit.

Why would the rabbit take a nap? Are rabbits notoriously sleepy animals and someone failed to mention that to me? Also… ok. There is no also. Just why is he sleeping a couple of metres from the finish line. Sleep on the other side of the freaking line.

Tim’s Moral(s) –

1- “Don’t take naps during a foot race”

2- “Don’t be an arrogant douche”

3- If you’re not very good at your desired profession, success will only come if you NEVER SLEEP”

The Ant and the Grasshopper

All summer a grasshopper plays and dances and has a great time living up the hot glorious days of summer. An ant sees all this while he works hard preparing for the winter to come. The ant tells the grasshopper that he should be working, and the grasshopper tells the ant that he should stop being a tight ass and have some fun while the summer is here. Both continue with their own stubborn ways. Long story short, winter comes, the ant is warm and has plenty of food while the grasshopper is left out in the cold with no food. The grasshopper knocks on the ants’ door and asks to come in whereby the ant says “No way Jose. You should have worked” and slams the door in his face.

Moral- Idleness brings want. To work today is to eat tomorrow.

Yeah, ok. Here is what I got out of this story:

Tim’s Moral(s)

1- “Get better friends”

2- “If you work all the time and never have any fun, you’ll probably turn into an asshole”

These Fables, although incorrect in my opinion, are beneficial to child learning, and at least impart wise character traits for kids to embody.

Then there is:

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion needs to get to the other side of the river. He asks a frog for a ride to the other bank. The frog says “No way Scorpion, you’ll sting me and I’ll die” To which the scorpion replies “No I won’t. If I sting you we’ll both drown and I’ll never cross the river.” Since this makes perfect sense the frog accepts. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog says “Why did you do that, now we’ll both die”. To which the scorpion replies “Because I’m a scorpion, that’s what I do.”

Moral – The Leopard can’t change his spots. (Obviously that’s not it, but it’s the same gist. I’m just pointing out that this idea has many stories about it.)

Real Moral – People never change

Yup. You read that right. Nobody EVER Changes… EVER!

Forget redemption, forget compassion for people in dire situations forced to do bad things because of their situation. Forgiveness… No fucking way.

No-one will ever change so don’t trust them.

That’s what I want to teach my children.

If you work too hard, never sleep and never trust anyone, you’ll be an upstanding awesome person that everyone will envy.

But no-one will like you and you’ll have no friends.

And if that happens, who will come and save you when you’re captured while solving crimes?

So I was on the Toilet…

Posted in Evan's Blog with tags , , , , , on December 19, 2008 by EAbrams

I’m not sure why, but people like to read in the bathroom. I just get in, get it done and get out.

I read in the bathroom once. I was in a public toilet. Etched into the lima bean green wall was a 12 year old’s imagining of what a vagina might look like. It was like a rendering of that scene from health class so many years ago, when the couple from the 80s teaches us where babies come from by launching one at the camera.

art1

I like the art in public bathrooms. It’s scrawled on the mirrors in red sharpie, black sharpie on the metal stalls. When people’s pens run out they scrape off layers of paint, years of that sea foam, teal, taupe, the cheapest bulk latex paints.

bathroom_wall

The best public bathroom posts come in high traffic downtown areas. Bars, fast foods, and universities hide gems of bathrooms. They are poorly maintained allowing for great accumulation of call and response chains like a forum flame war. They are also near a dense variety of persons, backgrounds, attitudes and beliefs allowing for an equal variety of expression.

I think I’ll make a book of it.